Dis-integrating

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.


I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.




And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.


I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

What is wrong with me?
I think I'm crazy
or depressed..
Like seriously
I'll cry over stupid stuff
I'm too emotional
I always expect the worse
I just cannot stop thinking about the 'what if..'

I barely able to live in the present

I think I need medication
or to see a shrink
or do something about it

I think I'm scared of being lonely
I dread the thought of it

Being alone was never a problem until this year
Really a bad year

ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Hate myself
Hate my life
Hate my problems
the seemingly insignificant yet disturbing problems

I think I'm depressed, no?

What Is Minor Depression?

Minor depression has some but not all of the traits of major depression. Diagnosis requires at least two but less than five out of nine depression symptoms. One of those symptoms must be sadness or lack of interest in activities, write the researchers.

Major depression symptoms include:

• Feeling sad, depressed, or tearful (or, for kids and teens, irritable)
• Marked drop in interest or pleasure in activities
• Significant changes in weight or appetite
• Sleeping too much or too little nearly every day
• Feeling restless or sluggish
• Feeling worthless or excessively guilty
• Having trouble concentrating
• Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
• Suicidal thinking, suicide attempts, or thinking a lot about death (not just fear of dying)

This year is a bad year

This year.. is a bad year.

I've encountered so many problems that it seems like it never ends..

School problem came up. Solved it. Got over it.
Relationship problem came up. Solved it. Got over it.
School issue again
and then stuff
and stuff
and stuff
stufff....

Once one thing is solved, another lurks in the corner.

Worrying is Unhealthy

I had just received a text from my good friend, telling me how happy she is now, how perfect life seems. But she ended her text by saying that she's worried that everything's so rosy only at the beginning..

Which I can totally relate too. Everytime something is too perfect, too good, I'll think : "This is it! I"m at the top of the hill, can't get any farther. The only way to go is to go down.."

Pessimist : Yes!
Worrisome : Yes!
Irrational: Maybe
INSANE : Could be

I was told that this is a good trait to be an entrepreneur; you'll always be scared about what the competitors are planning up; you don't get enough sleep or peace of mind.. BUT HEY.. at least you're rich.... RIGHT?

I haven't been able to sleep lately. Problems, issues, obstacles.. Seemingly minor ones but imminent for my future. I TRIED so hard to ignore these future problems. I'll try to think about other stuff .. HELL I tried to BE in the PRESENT.. Has it worked? clearly not

Worries are like darkness.. You always want to turn on the light/ have lights around you when you're doing something.. Working, Studying, stuff... But at the end of the day, you can't sleep with the lights on. You will, at the end, need to face the darkness : your worries.
I guess my problem is that even during the daytime, I've already started thinking about the darkness and how it'll affect me..

Foolish but can't stop doing it

I'm yours

well you done done me and you bet i felt it
i tried to get you but you're so hot that i melted
i fell right through the cracks
and i'm trying to get back
before the cool done run out
i'll be giving it my bestest
nothin's going to stop me but devine intervention
i reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait, i'm yours

well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love
listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
ah la peaceful melody
its your godforsaken right to be loved love loved love love

so i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait i'm sure
theres no need to complicate
our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

i been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
and bendin over backwards just to try to see it clearer
my breath fogged up the glass
so i drew a new face and laughed
i guess what i'm sayin is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
its what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait i'm sure
theres no need to complicate
our time is short
it cannot wait, i'm yours

Stepping my foot on the ground

After much turmoil and confusion happening in my life, I have finally reached a calmer ground. I have set up my plan (sort of), and planning to move forward from that one step.

Unexpected life

Funny Thing about Life

Found a funny thing about life today.

The more someone give to you without even expecting any return on his/her deed, the more you want to give back to that person unconditionally as well.

maybe i'm wrong

maybe i should have a more carefree view in life
maybe i should stop worrying
maybe I should let go

The words not spoken

Women are crazy..
We think rationally ( yes guys, we DO think rationally )
But yet we don't listen to our rational thoughts..
we listen to our emotion ( irrational, unsensical, unsensible thoughts )
We try... really hard to listen to our logics,
but the scream of our emotion is too loud to ignore

change of view in life

Last time I was asked, what will I do if say I'm pregnant and the doctor tells me that my baby will be handicapped.

I instantly blurted out, "I'll abort the baby of course!"

At that instant there were Kevin and another person ( whom I forgot... was it erly? lindy?) but anyway they were appaled by my answer (which is strange because why ask this situational question if you have expected a set of answer )

Anyway they told me.. how could you? it's still your baby.. it's a living being.. so what if it's handicapped, it's still a person..

My answer : but it'll be hard for the baby, they'll be handicapped, it'll be better off this way

Kevin or someone else said : but there are still chances for them to recover. Haven't you heard of those people who were told they can never survive or get out of an illness, but they did..

At that time, still set with my answer, I ignored them..

Months after that Paris became ill and started limping. He had patella luxation ( loose knee cap ) and could only walk with three legs. I went through it all : finding a good vet, sending him off for a surgery, sending him off for the second surgery, going through the painful recovering, walking him to make sure he exercise his wounded leg...

After that moment, I changed. I knew that the next time someone asked me that exact question, 'what will you do if you are told that your baby will be handicapped, will you abbort it?'

My answer is No.

Ivana's post on L

Loving is letting yourself get hurt
Loving is letting your heart being eaten while you are still living
Loving is accepting all beauty and flaws of a person
Loving is not necessarily not being able to live without that person, it is merely wanting to live with that person
Loving is letting the other party go when he or she needs to
Loving is acknowledging that love may one day go away but still wanting to work love out for the present
Loving is a full time job
Loving is taking a leap of chance
Loving is ignoring all boundaries and just marching forward
Loving is dumb, and I wonder if being loved is better

Grabbed from Shierley's blog

Love

3 things every women should learn growing up:

1) Your love is precious. Don't give it to someone undeserving.

2) You can't rescue/change a man. He has to be happy on his own before you can be happy together. He has to acknowledge his flaws before you can accept them.

3) And you're not Cinderella, so don't think you need a man to rescue you.

I'm tired

I'm tired of living a dream
I'm tired of trying

Two cynics watching One romantic movie

I stayed over at Shierley's place the other night and we were watching the dvd titled, 'Prime' Uma Thurman was acting on it.. It was a good movie actually, a good romantic movie about Uma, a 39 year old lady, who is dating a 23 year old young artist.

SO.. when Uma and the guy are happy together, Shierley and I were like : "This movie is bullshit!! What are the chances that they can be happy together with all their differences. Namely : age, Uma is workign successfully whereas the artist is still living with his grandparents, unemployed"

But at the end of the movie, they both broke up and we were like "AWWW.. That's sad"

and 3 seconds later: "but yeah this is more reasonable.."

bad day

everyone came across a point where too much bad things happened continuously.
with more obstacles coming, each additional pain just seem less excruciating.
every day seems less meaningful.
each ache less agonizing
one just stops caring about what more to expect

His hello was the end of her endings
Her laugh was their first step down the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever was as simple as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer was "I do"

Let go, Let God

Life

In life, we often come accross pathways.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler..."

I'm the type of person who will stand at the beginning of the cross, forever thinking about which ways to choose, where will each path take me to, will one path be better than the other.

In my indecisiveness, sometimes I choose to close my eyes completely, avoiding the thought that I need to even make a choice. Maybe I'll twirl around at my feet, still closing my eyes, hoping that in my giddiness I'll make the first step.

But my conscience stops me from being silly. 'Pick one for Jes. christ' No matter which one, it'll take you somewhere. Rather than just staying at one spot, avoiding changes, scared of what might happen in the future.

"... long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;"

Maybe I'll take the first path.
But I can't see the end
What if I get lost?
What if I wished I had taken the other one instead?

"Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,"

I look at the other path, toying with the fact that this one may be better than the first
Maybe I should take the second path instead
Maybe I'll like this path more
Maybe they all lead to the same end

"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black."

Still undecided, edgy from the wait
I lay my eyes on both paths
at that moment still not knowing which way to go

"Oh, I kept the first for another day!"

Impatient. Unhappy. Carefully trying to be impulsive.
Stupidly thinking that one day I'll be at the same exact crossway
Being unhappy with the road I had taken, maybe I'll be able to take the other path instead

"Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back"

Unconsciously blocking the thought that I'll never be at the same crossroad
I'll never be able to relive this same exact moment
Not able to take the first road over the second one.
Just hoping that either path will take meto the same end

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:"

'If it's what is written, I'll return' I repeatedly told myself
I blindedly reitirate those words while bringing myself to my first baby step
to the second road

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by."

Not that the first one is not less beautiful than the second
Not that the first one may not lead me to the same end
Maybe the second path will merge to the first path somehow, maybe not.
But this is life. And chance I must take.

"And that has made all the difference."